I started consistently approaching women in September 2015 and by now I have done 220 approaches approximately. Out of those, some were throwaway approaches, for example, just asking a girl for directions, which I did for warming up. So we can ballpark the number of “real” approaches around 200. First 120-130 of these were in nightclubs and bars. Then I got sick of nightclubs and bars. So the rest of the approaches were outside in the daytime (streets, malls etc.).
I don’t have an exact count of the number of phone numbers I got, but it’s probably in the 8-10 range. I went out on dates with two girls so far. One of them was an avg. looking Columbian girl (yeah, Columbian girls can look avg. apparently) and the second one was a decently hot French girl (with Algerian parents). Date with the Columbian girl went well. I took her back to my place after the date, we made out, and when I tried to escalate further, she freaked out and decided to leave.
Before I get to the French girl, let me tell you the story of the date with the Columbian girl, which has a nice moral. During the date she’d mentioned that she was a professional salsa dancer, which is what I used to get her to my place: “Do you want to come to my place and teach me some salsa?” Once in my apartment, she was sitting on my couch when I switched on my laptop and started playing salsa music. She said, “Do you really think I am going to teach you salsa?” So I switched it off, walked to the couch, and said, “So did you come up to my apartment just to make out with me?” She said no. But I went in for the kiss anyway and she gladly obliged. This is a good example demonstrating that what a girl wants to do and what she says often contradict each other. I went in for the kiss because she was looking into my eyes and smiling even though she said no.
This would have been a great story if this was my first kiss with her. But unfortunately this was the second kiss making the story slightly less exciting. The first kiss was in the elevator of my building. I simply said, “Ever made out in an elevator? Come here and kiss me.” So sometimes it’s as simple as that.
Anyway, why didn’t I go on a second date with her? She invited me to a nightclub for a second date where she was planning to get drunk. I was in two minds because she was going there with a (female) friend. I ended up going out with my wingman to a different place to approach more girls. Next day she was lukewarm on text and later she pretty much stopped replying. I think she met someone at the nightclub.
Moving on to the French girl. I met her at a language exchange meet up. I just had a friendly chat with her for about an hour. Didn’t do a lot of touching except an uncomfortably long handshake and resting my thigh against hers during the conversation. Ended up inviting her to Nuit Blanche, which is an event in Toronto where artists set up exhibits throughout the city over the night. Everything was friendly until I kissed her during the event. This kiss also taught me something, so let me explain what happened.
We were sitting on a bench at midnight facing Lake Ontario in downtown Toronto (kind of like that scene from Woody Allen’s Manhattan) when I thought to myself: “This is it, I must kiss her now.” Not knowing how to escalate, I put my arm around her shoulder, pointed into the darkness and said: “Hey, look at that!” To which she replied, “What?” So I repeated, with emphasis, “That thing, over there!” She said, “What?” After repeating this a couple of times, I blatantly declared, “There’s absolutely nothing there; I just did this to put my arm around your shoulder.” She giggled.
I still didn’t know how to escalate but at least I was touching her now. The main issue was that we were sitting side-by-side looking in the same direction. For a kiss to happen you at least need to be looking at each other, which wasn’t happening then. So I figured, if I kept talking on and on, she would eventually find something interesting enough to turn and look at my face. I talked for about a minute. It was painful. And her face didn’t budge. In the end I gave up and blurted, “I think we should kiss now.” She immediately turned towards me with a lit up face and said, “What? You want to kiss me?” and (surprisingly) shoved her tongue down my throat.
We did a long make out, but once we were done, she said, “This was weird.” My first instinct was of shame. I was completely shattered for about a second thinking I was a horrible kisser and how I had completely turned her off. Then I did a quick reframe in my head and said, “Oh no don’t worry, it was nice.” In my head now it looked like she was the one worried that she didn’t do a good job and I was the one telling her it was all fine. I was proud of myself for this reframe.
I went on many more dates with the French girl. It turned out, she was 20 yrs old, a virgin, and really conservative. Example, she didn’t drink alcohol or eat pork because her “religion didn’t allow it”. Not surprisingly, I had a really hard time having sex with her. She would do everything else in bed, but, to my frustration, say no to sex. She also slowly started getting on my nerve because of her sense of entitlement. Eventually, after about 12 dates with her, I figured there was no point wasting my time just because I thought one day she might budge and decide to lose her virginity to me. So I broke up.
There was a date, btw, when she asked me, out of a sudden, “Why are you interested in a 20 yr old like me?” I’m 29, so the age gap is slightly larger than commonly acceptable. I said something like, “I didn’t really think about the age. You are attractive and fun to hang out with. If it makes you feel any better, in my heart, I’m still 21.” Now that I look back at it, it’s interesting that I kept reframing things as her being worried about something and me making her feel comfortable, as opposed to her being turned off at my unattractiveness.
Speaking of age, btw, all phone numbers I’ve received so far have been from people in the 18-23 age range. French girl was 20, Columbian was 21. Not bad, is it?
This was all when I was still visiting nightclubs and bars. Ever since I’ve started approaching in the day time, I haven’t been on a date. I have gotten a few numbers but they went nowhere. Last week I managed to number-close a 9 and I am happy about that. We are still texting but she’s already lukewarm. I’ll love to get her out on a date, but I am not too hopeful. Interestingly, btw, she’s also French. I have met 3 French girls so far and got all their numbers, and dated one of them. I’m starting to consider moving to France.
So to summarize, my current status is that I have been consistently going out and approaching, and I manage to get numbers once in a while, but numbers die fairly quickly.
One of the biggest puzzles I have is that I still have approach anxiety. When I see a hot girl, my first instinct is still, “Nah she’s too hot, she doesn’t like you, no point talking to her coz you’ll run out of things to say anyway.” Once in a while I do manage to get into “state” when I feel like a boss and assume that by default all girls that I can see like me. This happens after doing a few approaches in quick succession, but the feeling lasts at most a day.