On finding a mentor

There’s a huge difference between being good at something and being able to teach it to other people. When it comes to game, the so-called “naturals” demonstrate the point very well. They know how to pick up girls for some magical reason but the only advice they have to offer to others is something trite like “just go and be yourself.”

People who have gone through the grind and become good at game are slightly better but they are still far from being perfect teachers. All they have done is figure out one way that works for them. And then they often assume that the same thing is going to work for everyone. But that is obviously not true.

To be a good teacher, you need the following:

  • You should know the entire landscape of skills that can make you good at game.
  • You should also know, given the set of skills someone already has, the fastest way to get him from where he is to a set that makes him good at game.

What I’m trying to say is you need to be able to adapt your lessons to the student. Let me give you an example of what a teacher should not do.

A few months ago I bought a session with a daygame coach. Back then I was maybe about 300 approaches in. I had been practising the Yad stop and had become fairly comfortable with it. Most of my sets were at least opening well. But the daygame coach had his own way of opening and he was adamant that I did it his way. It wasn’t very different from the Yad stop. It was also a direct compliment followed by an assumption stack. But his method was very strict about the exact sentences you could speak and the exact body movements you had to perform. That completely threw me off and the time that I spent with him I was back to being a nervous wreck. I was going in set trying to remember the steps and messing it up every single time. I asked him why he thought my opening wasn’t good but he didn’t have an answer. So what he did was a bad idea. A good daygame coach would have adapted his methodology to my way of opening.

Needless to say, finding such a teacher is difficult. To be that good, you need to have a lot of experience not only picking up girls, but also teaching hundreds of students. You can’t be someone who lives under the delusion that his way is the only way and still be a good teacher.

The garlic naan date

Lots of things have happened since I made my first post on this blog. I want to talk about all but let me start with a field report from y’day.

I went on a date with a nine and fucked it up.

Saw her at a bookstore. Let’s call her N. I approached with the usual compliment followed by assumption. Things were going good in the first 10 minutes but soon I was struggling to keep a sexual frame and the conversation kept slipping into friendly territory. We got into deep conversations about reading the classics and being cultured, which may or may not have been a bad thing. At a high point during the conversation I decided to ask her for a coffee. “I’m meeting a friend in 20 minutes, but I want to get a coffee before that. Would you like to join me?” And off we went.

It was during the instant date that things started looking bad. My favorite insta spot is this coffee shop that has a bar where you can sit next to the girl. Much better than sitting across at a table. You can usually get some cues about the girl’s interest from the way she sits. If she sits at an angle pointed towards you, it’s on. N was pointing slightly away from me.

I figured I couldn’t show more interest in her than she was showing in me. So I faced straight ahead. One thing that was going in my favor was that she was talking a lot. And I was able to encourage her with occasional teases, challenges, and questions. However, the topic of conversation was friendly and her body language off. She was looking around impatiently most of the time, so there was no opportunity to hold strong eye contact. She kept me guessing whether I should continue investing in the set or eject and generate more leads. The only thing that kept me in set was that she was hot and she accepted all my physical escalations.

In the back of my head I was trying to figure out where I should bounce her. At some point we were talking about food and she said she was really hungry and asked me if I knew of any Indian restaurants around. On one hand, I hate food dates, but on the other hand, I happen to love Indian food. Plus, I figured she wouldn’t want to go for a drink straightaway because she was hungry. So I proposed to get Indian food together.

As we were walking there was a lot of frame battle going on. She was doing most of the talking. Now I don’t think that necessarily implies that she held the frame. It’s completely possible to hold the frame while the other person is talking a lot. But in this case I didn’t feel I had the frame. For example, she would randomly stop in the middle of a conversation to light a cigarette. If I had the frame, she wouldn’t dare do this. She would ask me first. Another example of her holding the frame was when she suddenly said “You walk really slow. Let’s walk faster.” I just said no and kept walking at my own speed. But again, if I had the frame she wouldn’t even mention this in the first place.

One thing I like to do on dates is to role-play a scenario where I am secretly a murderer and approaching her was a ruse to find my next prey. I think this is quite powerful because it creates an air of danger and mystery — all things that girls like. It also gives you opportunities to snatch the frame from time to time. For example, often while walking on the street, I will put my hand on her back, point towards a dodgy ally and say “Let’s go here for a second.” This if fun if she is a good role player. But you can only use this once or twice.

Once we reached the Indian restaurant, I went into food mode. I ordered a giant curry dish with a million garlic naans. The food arrived and I ensconced myself into the rich garlicky aroma and ate like a beast. When I came out of the masala trance, the processed carbs hit me and I craved a hibernating nap. Now I know what you are thinking. Game is stateless and you should just be congruent with whatever emotions you are feeling in the moment. I am afraid this doesn’t work if the emotion you are feeling is a debilitating insulin-triggered fog.

She probably sensed this and artfully segued into talking about her boyfriend. I ignored it and held a conversation while 90% of my brain was asleep. I decided that it was over and started walking towards the subway station with her. At one point she said that I looked sad. Clearly she was confusing my stupor with sadness. When I asked why she thought I was sad, she said “because you couldn’t lure me into doing anything sexual.”

Oh. Was it still on?

Me: Well I’m just too full. Let’s get a drink and wake me up.
Her: Nah, you’re trying to get me drunk.
Me: One drink will get you drunk?
Her: Ok let’s go. Where do you want to go?
Me: There’s a nice place ten minutes from here.
Her: How about some place closer?
Me: That’s the closest one.

And we reached the subway station. At this point things were all set for her to leave. And I didn’t do much to change that. She started with it again:

Her: You look dejected. I hope you still had fun.
Me: Oh yeah, the food was awesome.
Her: Oh I thought you enjoyed the conversation too.
Me: Yeah that too.
Her: I feel bad that I wasted your time.

And suddenly I was in an awkward conversation where she expressed her guilt about not having sex with me and I tried to convince her that it was all ok. She was set to leave the country forever in two days. So I still had one day where I could potentially invite her out and go easy on the food. I thought asking for her number could facilitate that. She wouldn’t give me her number.

Anyway, eventually she left and it was over.

Now let’s break this down. What was good and what was bad about this date? First the good:

  • I went on a date with a nine!
  • She mentioned her boyfriend really late in the date.
  • I have definitely improved in the physical escalation department. I’m getting close to the “touch them absent-mindedly, as if it’s so natural to you that you don’t even notice it” philosophy.

Things to keep in mind next time:

  • Hold the frame by not giving her too much value. Change topics abruptly. Stop and tie your shoelaces. Just look around and notice other interesting things. Don’t be focused on the girl with eager eyes.
  • Do not do food dates. This is something I need to think about more. What should I do if it is dinner time and she’s hungry?
  • Do not be confused about what you want to do next. I was constantly trying to decide if the date was going anywhere or if it was wiser for me to eject and generate new leads. This needs to be fixed. If I am in a set, I should be fully committed to it. A committed guy would have pushed for a drink in the end.

 

Two hundred approaches in

I started consistently approaching women in September 2015 and by now I have done 220 approaches approximately. Out of those, some were throwaway approaches, for example, just asking a girl for directions, which I did for warming up. So we can ballpark the number of “real” approaches around 200. First 120-130 of these were in nightclubs and bars. Then I got sick of nightclubs and bars. So the rest of the approaches were outside in the daytime (streets, malls etc.).

I don’t have an exact count of the number of phone numbers I got, but it’s probably in the 8-10 range. I went out on dates with two girls so far. One of them was an avg. looking Columbian girl (yeah, Columbian girls can look avg. apparently) and the second one was a decently hot French girl (with Algerian parents). Date with the Columbian girl went well. I took her back to my place after the date, we made out, and when I tried to escalate further, she freaked out and decided to leave.

Before I get to the French girl, let me tell you the story of the date with the Columbian girl, which has a nice moral. During the date she’d mentioned that she was a professional salsa dancer, which is what I used to get her to my place: “Do you want to come to my place and teach me some salsa?” Once in my apartment, she was sitting on my couch when I switched on my laptop and started playing salsa music. She said, “Do you really think I am going to teach you salsa?” So I switched it off, walked to the couch, and said, “So did you come up to my apartment just to make out with me?” She said no. But I went in for the kiss anyway and she gladly obliged. This is a good example demonstrating that what a girl wants to do and what she says often contradict each other. I went in for the kiss because she was looking into my eyes and smiling even though she said no.

This would have been a great story if this was my first kiss with her. But unfortunately this was the second kiss making the story slightly less exciting. The first kiss was in the elevator of my building. I simply said, “Ever made out in an elevator? Come here and kiss me.” So sometimes it’s as simple as that.

Anyway, why didn’t I go on a second date with her? She invited me to a nightclub for a second date where she was planning to get drunk. I was in two minds because she was going there with a (female) friend. I ended up going out with my wingman to a different place to approach more girls. Next day she was lukewarm on text and later she pretty much stopped replying. I think she met someone at the nightclub.

Moving on to the French girl. I met her at a language exchange meet up. I just had a friendly chat with her for about an hour. Didn’t do a lot of touching except an uncomfortably long handshake and resting my thigh against hers during the conversation. Ended up inviting her to Nuit Blanche, which is an event in Toronto where artists set up exhibits throughout the city over the night. Everything was friendly until I kissed her during the event. This kiss also taught me something, so let me explain what happened.

We were sitting on a bench at midnight facing Lake Ontario in downtown Toronto (kind of like that scene from Woody Allen’s Manhattan) when I thought to myself: “This is it, I must kiss her now.” Not knowing how to escalate, I put my arm around her shoulder, pointed into the darkness and said: “Hey, look at that!” To which she replied, “What?” So I repeated, with emphasis, “That thing, over there!” She said, “What?” After repeating this a couple of times, I blatantly declared, “There’s absolutely nothing there; I just did this to put my arm around your shoulder.” She giggled.

I still didn’t know how to escalate but at least I was touching her now. The main issue was that we were sitting side-by-side looking in the same direction. For a kiss to happen you at least need to be looking at each other, which wasn’t happening then. So I figured, if I kept talking on and on, she would eventually find something interesting enough to turn and look at my face. I talked for about a minute. It was painful. And her face didn’t budge. In the end I gave up and blurted, “I think we should kiss now.” She immediately turned towards me with a lit up face and said, “What? You want to kiss me?” and (surprisingly) shoved her tongue down my throat.

We did a long make out, but once we were done, she said, “This was weird.” My first instinct was of shame. I was completely shattered for about a second thinking I was a horrible kisser and how I had completely turned her off. Then I did a quick reframe in my head and said, “Oh no don’t worry, it was nice.” In my head now it looked like she was the one worried that she didn’t do a good job and I was the one telling her it was all fine. I was proud of myself for this reframe.

I went on many more dates with the French girl. It turned out, she was 20 yrs old, a virgin, and really conservative. Example, she didn’t drink alcohol or eat pork because her “religion didn’t allow it”. Not surprisingly, I had a really hard time having sex with her. She would do everything else in bed, but, to my frustration, say no to sex. She also slowly started getting on my nerve because of her sense of entitlement. Eventually, after about 12 dates with her, I figured there was no point wasting my time just because I thought one day she might budge and decide to lose her virginity to me. So I broke up.

There was a date, btw, when she asked me, out of a sudden, “Why are you interested in a 20 yr old like me?” I’m 29, so the age gap is slightly larger than commonly acceptable. I said something like, “I didn’t really think about the age. You are attractive and fun to hang out with. If it makes you feel any better, in my heart, I’m still 21.” Now that I look back at it, it’s interesting that I kept reframing things as her being worried about something and me making her feel comfortable, as opposed to her being turned off at my unattractiveness.

Speaking of age, btw, all phone numbers I’ve received so far have been from people in the 18-23 age range. French girl was 20, Columbian was 21. Not bad, is it?

This was all when I was still visiting nightclubs and bars. Ever since I’ve started approaching in the day time, I haven’t been on a date. I have gotten a few numbers but they went nowhere. Last week I managed to number-close a 9 and I am happy about that. We are still texting but she’s already lukewarm. I’ll love to get her out on a date, but I am not too hopeful. Interestingly, btw, she’s also French. I have met 3 French girls so far and got all their numbers, and dated one of them. I’m starting to consider moving to France.

So to summarize, my current status is that I have been consistently going out and approaching, and I manage to get numbers once in a while, but numbers die fairly quickly.

One of the biggest puzzles I have is that I still have approach anxiety. When I see a hot girl, my first instinct is still, “Nah she’s too hot, she doesn’t like you, no point talking to her coz you’ll run out of things to say anyway.” Once in a while I do manage to get into “state” when I feel like a boss and assume that by default all girls that I can see like me. This happens after doing a few approaches in quick succession, but the feeling lasts at most a day.